On Sitting

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.-Winston Churchill

I'm sitting on my girlfriends couch while she organizes our laundry, because I'm certainly not going to do it, and I'm thinking about the ability to just sit down and enjoy something without over thinking it.

I have explained, mi hermanos y hermanas, that sometimes my intelligence isolates me. Which is abysmally true, but lately it hasn't just been isolating me, it's been driving me fucking crazy.

I have this thing called thinking-constantly-about-stupid-shit-that-doesn't-make-a-difference-any-fuckin'-way. Like: whether I'm happy or not. The truth is: I AM! and me questioning it constantly is only causing trauma. I worry horribly about everything all the time and it became quite bothersome once I finally gave up my ridiculousness and decided to commit to something for the first time in my goddamn life. I learned that this worrying and incessant questioning is one of my giant walls that I've put up to keep myself from being happy, because god forbid that should ever happen to a previously abused person. I kept thinking if I just keep these walls up and even build some more I'll never get hurt. But, the truth is building the walls and keeping them up was taking far too much energy which, frankly should have been spent on me allowing myself to be happy. The whole time I spent not opening and not letting my walls down I could have been focusing on opening up and letting my walls down for the sake of my happiness and every one else's involved. I wasn't getting anywhere and so I had a talk with my ever-so patient girlfriend and she almost smacked me ( I would have deserved it) because I was being so stupid.

So I sat down and decided to give up the struggle.

And so now I'm sitting again and I'm very happy, thank you very much.