We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.-Winston Churchill


The last time I saw your face, heard your voice you were sitting on the living room couch rolling a joint and your exact words were,

" I don't want us to hate each other."

But, what did you want? Not me certainly. What you wanted was no confrontation, what you wanted was your ex, what you wanted was for me to move out as fast as humanly possible so you wouldn't have to sleep on the couch anymore while the physical embodiment of your commitment issues, personal failure and guilt slept in your once happy bed. That's what you wanted.
You wanted clarity, you wanted the realization of your dreams, you wanted happiness and I can't fault you for that. The difference is I found those things with you. What you found in me was distraction, minimal effort and vacation love.

I look back now and think how stupid I was to trust you. While I'm sure you look back and have that slight twinge of necessary guilt but an overall sense of satisfaction knowing that I served my purpose.

I was a tool in your recovery and you were my downfall. But, you were the best of all my downfalls, so epic in proportion I have difficulty understanding it today.

Today, three months later I sit at a desk in front of a phone in my work place which is greatly suffering at my hand because of my downfall. Because of you. Because of me. Because of us. I am your savior because I helped you rebound. Because I helped you realize you still had it in you. But, whatever you had in you I didn't get. And I never will and that is why I cry in my driveway when I get home at night, because I can't imagine going into a place that I live and you not being there. That is why when I have a rough day at work, which is everyday, I can't stop considering driving to where ever you are and begging you to release me. Release me from my doubt, my sadness, my utterly poultry existence without you.

Without you. My life without you.

It will never stop sounding wrong, because I still don't think I believe it. I still don't believe that the next time I see you, whenever that may be, I will not be greeted with a deep hug and a wet kiss. The next time we meet you will ignore and avoid me. You will feel guilt and all I will feel is grief and regret. I doubt I will be able to stand, knowing that the elation I once felt at the simple thought of seeing you will be replaced by this complex set of grievous, hideous and sometimes even physically painful emotions.

And yet. And yet. The phrase I hear in my head even when I'm crying over you is still,

I love you, I love you, I love you.

And I would do anything to have back those first few weeks when we were the only ones in the universe and we loved as if neither of us had a past, as if without our figures entwined there would be earthquakes, tsunami's. As if the world would end without us, without the quiet dignity and pride of us clasping hands on a busy sidewalk.

You are, have been and always will be my fondest memory, my greatest terror and my sweetest mistake.