On It Being What It Is

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

Whatever it is, it is precisely that. And there's nothing we can do about it. Our attempts to change it will be thwarted miserably, our deep denial of it will not make it go away, and mostly no matter where we go or what we do it will always be there, digging its fingernails into our skin, holding on for dear life, yanking us out of our routine, violently, simple to say " Hey, you bastard. I'm still here."

Well, we all have "its". They may be positive or negative or you may not have the slightest notion at all what your IT is. But, whatever that mother fucker is, it's there and it's not going to take a vacation anytime soon.

I discussed this idea with my Che' Guevara tutee yesterday. We discussed the idea that people in todays society so very much inhibit themselves. Men shouldn't cry, they should cowboy up and just " Get over it." And I say, it's precisely the idea of denial that is killing people so young.

If one could simply completely accept what they are feeling, embrace it, feel it utterly, let it consume oneself for as long as necessary, I believe that very person who allowed themselves to feel awful or whatever the dogging emotion is would then find freedom from it and allow it to pass through them without the fear of it catching up to them later.

The fact is. It's fucking here. And it's never going anywhere until you face it head on, chin up, shoulders back, embracing it with every last breath of strength and once you have done so you must give it the respect it should have as an emotion, no matter how ridiculous it may be, and then finally allow it to pass and give it up.

I told him so and he promptly told me that he experiences more in his heart and mind in my class than he ever has in his life and then simply said. " It is what it is."

On Dreaming

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

Last night I had the second of what seems to be a recurring cycle of dreams. I dreamt of old Athens, I knew it was Athens but it was actually Ireland. I had to travel through a long desolate strip of forest, it was as if the forest was burned down and all that was left of what used to be a vibrant forest was scorched vegetation and sand like dirt. There was a group of us, not sure who but there were about 12 of us.

We arrived to a clearing, to the left of the clearing was a ring of trees inside which was a ring of ruins, not unlike the parthenon or even slightly like stonehenge depending on which night.

We circled the ruins and clasped hands. Very ritualistic and pagan. The first night I had the dream, it was apocalyptic this time I'm not sure what happened. But the first night I had the dream it was summer time in the dreamscape, this time the whole place was covered in snow. Even more desolate this time.

I've been having a lot of Greek themed dreams, one in which I reached paradise with Luis and it began to flood. It was as if we were searching for apartments again, the same kind of idea in mind, to find a place we could live together.

I recently checked my facebook and a whole bunch of people had insane dreams last night and had posted them online.

Collective consciousness has peeked, not sure what this means. Could be nothing, or it could be the END OF DA WORLD! But, whatevz.

On Finding the Unicorn

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

Random thoughts and experiences for Monday October 19th

After a year of searching I finally found the 8th episode of the Masters of Horror season 1. Watching a movie you've been searching for or listening to that song you couldn't find anywhere is an experience all to itself. It was easy enough to find with my Granny Smith but I must say it was not what I was hoping for. Just like after putting that one song on repeat for days makes it not nearly so sweet.

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Last night posed several disappointments. Seeing someone who begged to see you and finding that they only did it to prove a point is difficult. It could make you lose faith. And I swore I never would, and I'm not about to let it happen now.

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The Che Guevara tutee never ceases to amaze. I called to ask him his preference for our next session, would he rather see a creative non fiction reading or have a session devoted to music as literature. He asked me what I wanted to do. Frankly, I have never had a tutee worry about my interest in a session. I had to explain to him that it wasn't my decision, that is was up to him. I laughed and told him to think of himself for once. He's just such a nice fucking kid.

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The final season of Veronica Mars is finally online. Now that I have something to obsess over, I don't have to worry about instance number 2 above.

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I can't help but think I'm paying the price for something, for all the insincerity I've doled out in my life, its all finally coming back to me. Karma sure is a mother fucker.

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Forgive the darkness, but today was not an easy day. Today I battled with myself over maintaining an open heart and allowing myself to feel freely and experience dashed expectations constantly. But, eventually I came to the conclusion that being open hearted is more important than protecting myself. I wouldn't feel this way unless I was meant to learn something by it. I refuse to become bitter. I refuse to allow myself to close my heart. I will not give up on people and I know that if I don't then others wont as well. Every break up, every time someone lies to me and every time I believe the lies I know it's all going to end well, even if it ends terribly.

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I've never been the sort for glory and I know I'm meant to be someone who never stops loving, so form now on, let there be no bloodshed. Let me simply fall without a struggle.

And now I'm not gonna go listen to Nocturne in E Minor and finish up the last bit of morbidity for the day.

On Being Inspired by the Uninspired

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

Maybe I'm listening to too much Punjabi MC, but I'm becoming increasingly aware of the things going on outside our American periphery. I just finished writing a paper on the difference between press coverage of Columbia and Venezuela. The thing is, there is no difference because the press is doing equally as well between countries with ignoring the real issues. There is an entire culture in Columbia being extricated from the planet by the Columbian government simply for the sheer fact that they are Indigenous Peoples. People are being massacred and displaced from their homes for no apparent reason other than their identity as Indigenous People of Columbia.

Well, enough ranting. In other news,

The BR seems to think the best plan of attack is calling me and texting me and emailing me at every available moment to convince me that I'm meant to be with him. Well, after calling me a bitch when I refused to make a commitment after three dates, I think he's better off leaving off the whole controlling thing and finally respecting my wishes and opinions for once in his fucking life. He apparently has no idea how this dating thing works because forcing a woman to make a commitment in America after three dates is most certainly no the proper way to go about things, not to mention I'm an extreme commitmentphobe and refuse to be forced into anything period, let alone a relationship and a label after three goddamn dates.

Mother fucker is crazy. He obviously has no idea who he's dealing with. A Cuban accent and millions to dispose of flippantly does not necessarily a good boyfriend make. Thank god for my soundness of mind. Mama loves mambo, but enough to give up my freedom and independence simply for a BMW and a high rise apartment downtown.

I shall return to plowing the field alone. Thank god.

On the Bust

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

Well, the BR is a bust. I simply cannot abide controlling and possessive men and I'm not about to let that slide this time around.

I've kind of learned after years of failed relationship that picking yourself up and dusting off the little bit of dirt is just a part of the game and I'm getting pretty fine with that.

I have tutoring at all hours of the morning now and I'm getting used to that too. Waking up early in the morning is just part of the game as well, and though I know it will be a general part of my life very soon, I'm still not really used to it.

Oh well, tiny post this time, just thought I'd update you all on my life in the fast lane.

On Disillusionment with Oneself

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

Tonight on the train, I was riding home from my Psych of Creativity class. I was listening to Beethoven. A homeless man with a scarred and ruined face fell from his seat and began to bleed all over the floor. A Man and Woman picked him off the floor and placed him back in his seat and gave him tissues to stop the bleeding.

I didn't move from my seat when I saw him fall, when I saw the blood I didn't feel the urge to help him, when they placed him in his seat I didn't offer to assist them in carrying his weight. I sat calmly where I was and thought of no one but myself.

I guess, all those grand illusions one has of oneself need bursting sometime. I used to think I was the type of person who no matter how ugly a person was I would help them. But, when the time came I did nothing, said nothing, I attempted nothing. I watched as the other people on the train expressed concern and leant a hand while I sat comfortably in my seat and thought of how the blood would stain my favorite shoes.

I suppose one must eventually face the fight or flight scenario in reality. I guess I just thought I would have been a fighter.

On Being Trouble

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

Last night the BR took me to Inglorious Basterds which was fantastic and we really enjoyed ourselves, then we decided to go get some food. He wanted to take me to some fancy and far too expensive Spanish Tapas place. We were driving downtown in his brand new BMW and frankly I really just would rather get a burger or a burrito somewhere, so I said as much. He looked at me like I was crazy. " Don't you want to go somewhere nice?" He asked. " No, actually, I'd really rather just go to some 24hr diner and get some cheap food and listen to classic rock."

He was so surprised that he really didn't know what to do. I told him as we sat down in the pleather booths that this is me. This is who I am. I mean, I sure do like to go to a nice, fancy restaurant sometimes and have a pretentious dinner over looking the lake, but frankly the real me feels more comfortable in the cheap kinda diner that has extra crispy fries and burritos the size of my face.

He was really out of his comfort zone and I told him so, to which he replied laughing, that no of course he wasn't. It was cute and everything when he ate his onion rings with a fork, cutting them into polite bite size pieces, but really? Honestly?

I know it's strange to guys like him to come across a woman who doesn't expect him to spend all his everlovin' paycheck on her and I know because he told me this.

I'm just not like other girls, I really just like to go to Mcdonald's some times and eat a fake beef burger and french fries and a milk shake. I don't need guys to spend all this fucking money on me to impress me. Really, I'd be much more impressed if he could just buy me a Blackhawks jersey and take me to the game on a Friday night instead of to the museums on sunday and to brunch at the Hancock building later.

I dunno, I guess I'm just more of the all American girl who doesn't want to diamond ring and the Beemer and would rather have a good jaunt at some thrift shops. I guess that's not normal, but whatever.

I guess, I'm bad news.