On the Explosive Flame

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.-Winston Churchill

I guess, you could say I've seen a few things, known a few people and been a few places. I guess, you could say I've had a full life. I guess you could say I've had good sex, good food and good taste. I've been down a few roads, been told a few lies, been around the bend and back. But, lately it hasn't been the same.

I understand that not everything in life is meant to work out. I understand that love doesn't last. And above all I understand that generally people suck. But, with all of these things I understand, I'm not sure I understand that when you lose something, however small, it effects you.

I don't believe I've ever, but once, really been in love. But, in that particular one time case, it was unrequited and unrequited love is different than real love. So I guess I really never have been.

I've been in droves of relationship, all ending in the same way. They end. Promptly. Every time I get into a relationship it is always to jump in head first and to not think clearly about it for at least three months. This is how it used to work for me. I knew nothing else. And so I coined the phrase: " The explosive flame does not often burn long." and though I knew it to be true I did not head my own warning, in fact I did quite the opposite. I went against it. I jump carelessly in and out of relationships, falling in and out of one heart after another. And a few broken hearts and windows later I realized that though I thought it wasn't effecting me, it very deeply was.

I'm always the one that breaks boys. They come to me after searching for love and think they've found the One. But, I was never the One. And I think I never will be. This sounds scary to most people. But, to me it sounds like home. I'm not saying this is the way I want it to be, I'm just saying this appears to be the way it is. I don't think I'm meant to find Hollywood love, or Bollywood love, or any sort of dramatic, kissing-in-the-rain love. And this does not make me sad, usually. But a couple nights ago it really did. I came into my bedroom and the comforter was placed in just such a way to make the illusion of a body laying asleep in my bed. And for a split second I felt comforted that I wouldn't be sleeping alone. And then, I realized. And then I cried.

I don't suppose I've ever actually felt lonely before. I know what it is to be alone and I've always referred to that as loneliness in a literal way. But I don't think I've ever actually considered it a bad thing. I've always really enjoyed being alone, like really. I love to be able to do whatever I want, listen to, watch, and eat whatever I wanted. I don't like to have to worry about being with someone.

But the other night, I was despondent and lonely and I had never experienced that before. I suppose there's a time for everything. But I certainly wasn't expecting it.

I suppose that's when I realized that all of this jumping in and out of relationships thing has really effected my spirit. It's made me disbelieve in happiness with another person. And goddamnit it has made me lonely.

There's no one in particular I feel specifically fond of or hopeful for right now. There isn't even the faith that someone will come along. There is just the realization that whatever it that I've been doing, must be stopped. So, when someone does come along, even if I don't feel like it. I'm going to take it painfully slow.

Let's hope I've learned this lesson. Let's hope, I'll find a steady, well tended flame. And that I can reconcile it with my past.