The Cabin

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

Usually I wont post writing on my blog, but I thought this was kind of a cute piece as it was inspired by one of my tutees more or less professing his love for me. It's fun but kinda long so enjoy!

The Cabin

“I love you.” He said.

“Psh,” she replied, “people don’t fall in love with me. That’s ridiculous.”

“I will readily admit that I’m ridiculous.” He said. He wanted to touch her face. He wanted to kiss her feet. He wanted to kill someone he loved her so much.

“What? What can I do?” He asked. “How do I prove it.”

“Aw, sweetie,” she said. “Nothing you do could ever prove to me that you loved me. People like you don’t fall in love with people like me.”

“THAT is ridiculous.” He said, triumphantly.

“No, no. I’m not the one falling in love with me. You are.” She said, laughing. “I don’t fall in love with people like me. I would never. YOU are ridiculous. I’m too old for you anyway. How old are you?”

“Psh,” he said, mocking her gently. “Love is ageless.” He stated. She laughed loud. Her laugh was what always got him. It killed him how beautiful it was, piercing and so warm. But she wasn’t exactly a cuddly person. She was the toughest teacher at school and when the other boys fawned all over her high heels and pencil skirts she hit them with their textbooks, but for some reason when he couldn’t stop staring at her she didn’t do the same to him.

She turned to leave the shop. He reached out to stop her, she avoided his outstretched arm but smiled all the same.

Her trips to the shop on the corner began in early August. She had just moved in down the street, a couple houses down with her two roommates, Luis and Pedro. He wondered if they were her lovers but it all turned out to be completely unimportant to him. All that mattered was that she was changing his life, revolutionizing it. He was always just this awkward Indian kid who never got the other girls and whom the other girls never got. Honestly no one ever really worried about trying to “ get” him except for her. She did so effortlessly. She just did. No questions about his interest in classic literature and his obsession with old westerns. She said things like “ OY” when kids were speaking out of turn. And she had the tendency to be very difficult to please. It wasn’t the grammar that got this English teacher going, it was the content.

Taj later realized that she got him so much because she was just like him when she was in high school. She must’ve been. There was no other explanation. Truthfully, what he really thought was that since she started teaching she had been searching for a kid like him. But she was lucky because it was only her first semester as a teacher and already she had found him. Or so he hoped. He hoped he was the star pupil. That she noticed him. That she was the one who just knew, without even trying, what was happening in his head.

He loved her so much it was painful. When he thought about her hot and cold sensations shot through his veins and he had to physically shake it off. Just the thought of the two of them talking about Faulkner made him feel things he had never felt for any girl ever. But she wasn’t just any girl she was THE girl. She had to be. She was the only woman he knew who knew all about Faulkner and Dickens and even VONNEGUT! She knew everything there was to know about books, she could even write POETRY! AND she knew all about theatre too. Was there anything she didn’t know?! GOD! She was the only woman for him. The perfect woman to marry and settle down with.

He told no one of his love for ms. Murphy, the black Irish woman who was changing his life. He didn’t even know her first name until his dad left him in the shop for an hour to go for more chai. She sauntered into the shop in her after school clothes. His mouth hit the dirty tile floor. She was wearing pink CONVERSE! And a Beatles t-shirt. She had a fedora perched on her head and for the first time ever, he saw her without glasses. Her eyes were so big and blue he felt utterly alone when he looked into them, as though there were no one else in the world. He loved her JUST that much. He loved her so much he could actually form real sentences around her, unlike when he was around the other girls. When he was with the other girls first of all he thought it would be a waste to say real meaningful things and second of all they wouldn’t understand anything he said if he tried in the first place.

So he stared her straight in the face when she came up to the counter with her corn torillas and ginger ale and he asked. “ So, like… What’s your first name?”

She laughed, lightly and replied. “ What’s the haps, Taj?”

His insides fluttered around a lot when she talked like that, which she didn’t do often and he liked to think, only did with him.

“ I really, just gotta know.” He said.

She held out her hand he took it ready to kiss it but it turned out she just wanted a handshake, he noted the firmness of her grasp.

“ I’m Molly.” She said. “ But, don’t you dare call me that at school. I’ll effing kill you.”

He nearly passed out. She just SWORE! Well, maybe not really, but she came SO CLOSE! And so close was close enough for him. She walked out of the shop and though he knew the jangling of the bell above the door wasn’t really the love goddess singing it sure did feel like it to him.

His friends at school would never understand such a sophisticated set of emotions, so he made a point never to tell them, what friends he had anyway, which were limited to the three other Indian kids in the 11^th grade. Taj was just WAY too mature for them.

He took a little while to think about whether he had been a little too hasty to tell her he loved her within the first three months he knew her, but then he came to the decision that no matter what she said now, she would realize later that he was the right man for her and even if he had spoken a little too soon everything he said was still true.

Next was kissing her and then spiriting her away to his dads cabin on the lake. He wasn’t sure how this would happen since he didn’t have a car or a license for that matter, but he was sure she’d be alright with driving. He couldn’t wait much longer, he just couldn’t keep this daisy stomping-bootlicking-retardedly-fucking-awesome feeling he had.

If he knew how many lines a sonnet had he would compose one just for her. He noted to himself that was something he would probably need to know if he was going to marry her so the next Monday he went straight to the library after class let out and picked up Shakespeare’s sonnets and set about reading them at lunch. She was just walking by when she turned around with her Grape Naked Juice in hand, she must have looked over her shoulder cuz she stopped and said

“ What number are you on?”

“ 112.”

“ Wanna know a really crazy secret?”

“ Totally.”

“ I have CXVI tattooed on top of my right foot. Figure out what number that makes, read the sonnet that corresponds and talk to me after class today.”

“ That’s easy,” He said flipping directly to 116. “ WAIT! YOU HAVE A TATTOO?!” She hit the back of his head with her juice and told him to shut up, kid.

He read the sonnet with such intensity he didn’t realize the whole lunch room was empty and he was nearly 3 minutes late to her class. He scrambled in just in time for roll call. She called his name accusingly but winked at him when all the other kids made fun.

For the first time in the history of ever, Taj couldn’t wait for her class to be over. He wanted to talk to her about everything, Shakespeare and every single sonnet in existence, though he had only read Shakespeare’s he felt he had a pretty good handle on the whole sonnet concept. 14 lines, that’s all ya needed. Generally they were about love or hate or death, but mostly love. So there Taj sat so heavily fixated on what he wanted to say that he couldn’t even remember what he wanted to say. When the final moment came and the final bell of the day rang and all the autobots from his class filed out and went screaming down the hallways he walked slowly up to her desk and waited for her to speak.

“ So what did you think of it?” She asked, smiling.

“ I’d have to say it’s moving, touching, surreal kind of.”

“ Wow, kiddo. Nice adverbage. But, what did it make you feel?”

“ I don’t know, it kind of reminded me of how I feel about you.”

Her face turned red. SHE BLUSHED! SHE blushed.

“ Taj, you really gotta knock this off. You don’t love me. You’re just super excited I get what you’re going through, that doesn’t make us soulmates.”

“ How do you, by the way?”

“ How do I what?”

“ Get what I’m going through?”

“ I just remember what it was like being the only kid in school who actually enjoyed the books my English teacher assigned me and enjoyed writing essays and book reports. I was just like you when I was in high school.”

“ You act like it was so long ago, but you’re only 23.”

She shuddered. “ Who told you that?”

“ My dad, he checked your ID when you were buying whiskey. He thought you were too young.”

She turned red again and giggled a little.

SHE GIGGLED! SHE giggled.

“ Look Taj, it’s true I really do understand you a lot better than the other kids but that doesn’t mean we’re meant to be together forever or anything, it just means we get along really well.”

“ Whatever you say, dear.” He laughed as she hit him on the top of the head.

“ You’re a cheeky little bastard. But, it’s true, I see a lot of myself in you. I remember what it was like to think I was in love all the time and feel rapturous when whoever it was that week smiled at me, but this will pass. You wont love me for much longer.”

“ You’re wrong.” He said and moved closer to her, she didn’t back up, she didn’t push him away, her breath quickened as he reached out to touch her face, she was just the right height, tall but not quite as tall as him. he came closer and closer her face was red, he could feel the heat radiating from her, nothing was in between them, not even air and when he touched her feather soft lips with his he felt every explosion there was to feel in the world, he had chills. In the long kissed they shared he wondered so much about her, whether she showered in the morning or before she went to bed, whether she put her right or left shoe on first. There was so much swimming through him that he barely noticed the janitor standing outside the door, but then he did and the kiss was over and when he came to school the next day he was crushed to know she had been moved to another school. But then he thought of how he would now have free reign to talk to her as much as he wanted now he wasn’t her student and he felt much, much better.

The next step was the cabin.

On the Well of Thoughts

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

in my Psychology of Creativity class we're exploring a lot of spiritual and psychological experiences.

One of the concepts one of my fellow classmates brought up tonight, is the Well of Thoughts. The idea is that somewhere in our plane of existence is a well and in the well are all of the ideas and thoughts which human beings are able to have. BUT, once one of us has the thought or idea that makes that idea fair game to everyone else.

For example, there was a man who's girlfriends cat hated him, its name was Kashi Moto. When ever this man was in a room the cat would peek its head around the corner and stare at him as if to say, "You're there so I wont be." Every time the man saw the cat he would say " Hello, Moto." The next month the Hello Moto commercial campaign came about. Well of Thoughts.

I've had experiences like this all over the place. Strange coincidences seem to follow me when I leave this class.

For instance:

Last week, my professor had mentioned us learning origami to illustrate our concept of the box and how to think outside of it. This was a very strong idea to me and I wondered what my origami sculpture would have been. Vanessa and I were walking back to the train on our way home and as we walked down the stairs to the subway, laying on the concrete steps were dozens of origami swans.

Not to mention all the fantastic things we discuss in this class, we're all having extreme " ah ha" moments while we share concepts together.

I leave this class thinking about how we should all, as humans, give each other the type of platform to express our spirituality in whatever way the other or ourselves decides is best.

I hope that some day when I'm a teacher I can give my students this platform and allow them to relate to themselves and their fellow classmates in a recognitive way.

We talked about recognizing our fellow humans as spiritual lovable beings. The smile on the train that you think about all the way home.

Tomorrow, tutoring and English ( did I mention I have a 110% in this class?)

On Being the Type of Person Who Never Gives Up

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

School is going swimmingly, with a 110% in my English class and two aced quizzes in two of my most difficult classes I think I'm on the edge of a 4.0 this semester. Knock on wood.

Things in my love affairs have been ultra interesting lately. After having formally decided to never ever date anyone under 25 ever again, I feel better. Frankly, men my age or should I say BOYS my age are just ridiculous and far to militant and aggressive in all the wrong ways. Which means from now on I'm dating up and older.

My mother alway told me I needed to marry a rich man because my spending habits are ridiculous and I think she might be right. However! I don't plan on dating anyone seriously until I've got my career set in motion. UNLESS, of course, there suddenly comes a knight in shining armor ready to swift me away in his white cadillac.

Next thing to focus on is the play. Mustn't be distracted by my mounting schoolwork and my sudden dislike of alcohol. Free beer or not tonight at the party I'm going to, nothing crazy is my goal.

Also, time to dress and accessorize for fall. Lots of dark red and brown and lets face it, I'm incredibly excited to start where that black dress and sweater I had to store away all summer. Let's just say those amazing buckled high heel boots I couldn't wear in the heat are being broken in again. Thank god for autumn

On Waiting for the Unthinkable

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

I know I should be thankful I'm dating an architect who wants to take me to all the museums and theatre shows and all over the city on exciting culinary adventures, but frankly, I'm finding it difficult to invest myself in this.

During our lunch downtown yesterday he told me he had something for me. I wondered silently to myself if the second date was the right time to give gifts. But he pulled out this massive book and dedicated it to with the servers pen after signing the bill. I guess he thinks I'm some kind of prophetess who's duty it is to save the world and he decided it was about time I read the Spiritist Doctrine. I know, I know it seems strange... And well, it really is. He bought me this book and told me it would change my life.

Then he hopped in a cab with me to school and insisted on paying for everything. Now, lets face it, ladies, when a man insists on paying for everything we don't exactly bulk at the idea and I don't either, but I also don't exactly jump at the thought of being a kept woman.

I suppose, the real problem is that I'm the type of girl who has a lot to give. NOW HOLD ON, I don't mean to sound arrogant but when it comes to interesting conversations and observations I'm a veritable fountain, but the Republican Buddhist ( hitherto and hereafter referred to as RB) he just doesn't have that much to give back.

I'm ever searching for the type of man who can not only take me to the latest theatrical or operatic events but also sit on the couch and eat a pizza while watching Gladiator for a night and maybe a little soccer.

The search continues...

Geography test in Latin American Studies tomorrow night.

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

All Sundays should be like this.

I woke up around 10:30 AM for the first time voluntarily in about a century. My housemate Allen had a great party last night, I got drunk and was in bed by 12 AM. When I woke up I felt renewed and willing to do just exactly what would make me happy today.

I texted Allen who woke up about 15 minutes later and told me to come down. I walked down the flight of steps that separates my apartment from his and listened to one of my favorite playlists while I helped Allen clean. We scrubbed the floor and threw away all the empty and not so empty beer cans and bottles, made coffee and went out for a smoke barefoot.

We both took showers and headed out to the farmers market in the square where we drank Chai Tea and played chess on the green while we ate our goat cheese and ratatouille crepes. After having lounged for a couple hours we got up and walked around and Allen bought a beautiful painting from a local artist at which time we saw fit to head home for naps. After our naps we ate dinner together and talked about the great loves and downfalls of our lives and grew yet another million stories closer to each other.

I'd like to formally thank the universe for handing me these wonderful people on a silver platter and allowing me to, again and finally, open my heart to new people who wont judge and will always accept.

Today was a day sanctified. A day spent in paradise.

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

I met this man on a site, which is a long story. this was his first message to me.

i'm looking for something real, not in the computer, the danger with the computer is that you get stuck in it and don't get to experience real life. i would rather see you and talk to you in person right away, writing emails is of secondary importance for me. i'm not looking for a virtual reality, the computer is only a means to an end for me, the end is always reality.

i just want to give you quick introduction, i'm not going to write too much.

what i value above all else is spirituality, and i'm excited you identify yourself as a buddhist/taoist, that's very refreshing to hear, i also identify as one. buddhism and hinduism are the religions that come closest to the truth. my interest lies more in spiritual truths and not any specific religion. i think we can have entertaining conversations about this.

i'm a serious guy, i mean i'm serious about anything i get myself into, i don't just leave it half way done. if you like that, that's great, if not, then i'm not looking to change.

i'm confident in the way i am, in what i believe, in who i am, in what i'm doing, and where i'm going. i'm not looking to adapt myself to anyone or to change anyone.

i'm very coherent in my thoughts and am very intelligent. i enjoy reading and writing, i am down to earth and realistic but also very romantic and believe in high ideals.

i am very neat and ordered, i have an innate discipline in me. if you're messy then i have no opinion about that, i'm just not like that. my taste is of a sophisticated kind, i prefer to surround myself with things that are highly modern in their design. i'm an architect, everything i have ever done is very up-to-date and modern.

i am very good at what i do, i mean in my profession, i have a deep passion for it and it's very important to me. i dedicate a lot of time and respect to my work, i do it because i enjoy it. if given the option i will go for what i believe is work worth doing, as i have done in the past.

i am trustworthy, independent, with high morals and values, compassionate, always try to do what is just, i have no criminal record whatsoever, only a few speeding tickets, i do like to drive fast but i'm trying to change that, i've never smoked, i've never done drugs, my credit rating is very high, my finances are in order.

i have a seven year education with two degrees from two universities, one of them ivy league, both for architecture.

i have a family that is always there for each other. there are no divorces in my family at all. the idea of a family that is not there for each and every one of its members is foreign to me.

i am a good listener and a good "teacher", i enjoy explaining things to people, listening to people and helping them with their problems.

i believe in the united states and i believe in capitalism. i am a libertarian and a republican. i hate democrats and socialists, but if you're one i can work around that with you. i'm glad you like winston, he's also one of my heroes.

i always type in lowercase letters.

this is just a little summary, i know you know virtually nothing about me, so i understand your concern. a lot of things can happen, we might or might not get to really know each other. we might get along great exchanging emails but not in person. we might have too many differences in likes or in personality. it will be difficult to make progress because we don't see each other often, we don't work together, we don't study together. fear will get in the way, doubt, lack of self-confidence, lazyness, stress, everyday life will exercise its pressure against us and it will be progressively harder to keep in touch. almost everything is against us, but against great odds great things happen. a relationship is half love and half sheer will and determination to make it work. i am willing to make it work, i think this is the most important thing you need to know about me. motivation is the most important thing.

i'm 27, you're 22, we have been a quarter of a decade without knowing each other, without knowing of each other's existence, that can be daunting, it can be scary, it can discourage you before you even begin, but it doesn't discourgae me, i really would find it hard to believe that it will discourage you.

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference.
-winston

now i would like to know a little about you, to have a slight idea of what i'm getting myself into.
don't afraid to say anything, fear is the worst thing.

This was my reply

I'm a democrat. My hero is Teddy Kennedy. I watched his memorial service today and cried all the way through

I was in the park the night our current President won the race. I cried during his speech. I don't believe in capitalism because I'm not rich. In fact I'm quite the opposite. I'm an artist.

I have a terrible credit rating.

I type grammatically.

I'm very intelligent. I'm a writer.

I can barely walk in my room for all the clothes strewn around it.

I stay up til all hours of the night watching ridiculous movies and writing very serious, passionate stories.

I'm loyal to my friends and lovers to a fault. It is almost a flaw.

I hold my self to an unachievable moral standard to which I hold no one else.

I'm intimidated by no one I've met so far in my 22 years. I have yet to meet any one who can best me in a debate on cinema, politics, literature ( classic or modern or post modern for that matter.) or music.

And frankly, You are quite possibly one of THE MOST pretentious people I have ever come in contact with to this very date and while I appreciate this fact, being as I am also an excessively pretentious person, I feel that our meeting would not only rip a hole in the fabric of the universe but it not end well.

Gracie

We're dating now.

On School

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

I've always been the type of person who appreciates a great challenge. That's just how I am. The problem is most classes at Columbia are NOT CHALLENGING AT ALL! But, it's made up for by the absolute funness of all the classes.

I'm sitting outside my Latin American Studies class waiting for the door to open and I"M thinking about how wonderful it would be to meet a nice Mexican boy or girl and have a really lovely chat about being Mexican. I sort always considered myself Mexican, though it was something I had to keep to myself most of my life due to astringent amount of... Well, lets just say not many people would listen to a black Irish girl if she said she better identified with Mexico than America.

I've always kinda looked Mexican. Kids at my high school used to ask if I was all the time. Which is pretty stupid considering my mom worked at the same school and was obviously Irish. I guess they were shooting for a Mexican father or something.

I always wanted to learn Spanish and hopefully this class will give me a better knowledge of it than I already have, which is a little bit formidable.

Truth is I love my school. I love everything about it. I really do. I love the teachers and the students and did I mention there's a class completely devoted to Harry Potter? Did I mention I'm taking it?

Tomorrow I've got my English class at five and my Scientific Investigation class at 6:30. And then it's off home for sleep and hopefully I'll get at least a good seven hours of sleep before my 7 AM wake up call to head off to Harry Potter.

On Forsaking the Obvious

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

School begins on Tuesday. I've never really understood why Columbia insists on starting all of it's classes on the second day of the week. I guess it's like Labor Day or some shit. Whatever that effing means, pff.

I recently received a message from one of my favorite professors who happens to be the very man who taught me to be a tutor. He also happens to be the man who is begging me to take the teaching class this semester because he thinks I'd be fabulous at it. But, it's my last semester and I can't justify adding another 4 credits to my already over achieving schedule. Plus my schedule wouldn't allow for it anyway. I already have everything put together and I simply can't forsake what I've already got going for me.

It was awfully nice of him to recommend me for it though. I appreciate that very much and I expect to find myself slightly regretting this. But, all must be maintained for the sake of my graduation this fall.

Very nice, isn't it, being adored. God, I'm such a dork.