We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.-Winston Churchill


The last time I saw your face, heard your voice you were sitting on the living room couch rolling a joint and your exact words were,

" I don't want us to hate each other."

But, what did you want? Not me certainly. What you wanted was no confrontation, what you wanted was your ex, what you wanted was for me to move out as fast as humanly possible so you wouldn't have to sleep on the couch anymore while the physical embodiment of your commitment issues, personal failure and guilt slept in your once happy bed. That's what you wanted.
You wanted clarity, you wanted the realization of your dreams, you wanted happiness and I can't fault you for that. The difference is I found those things with you. What you found in me was distraction, minimal effort and vacation love.

I look back now and think how stupid I was to trust you. While I'm sure you look back and have that slight twinge of necessary guilt but an overall sense of satisfaction knowing that I served my purpose.

I was a tool in your recovery and you were my downfall. But, you were the best of all my downfalls, so epic in proportion I have difficulty understanding it today.

Today, three months later I sit at a desk in front of a phone in my work place which is greatly suffering at my hand because of my downfall. Because of you. Because of me. Because of us. I am your savior because I helped you rebound. Because I helped you realize you still had it in you. But, whatever you had in you I didn't get. And I never will and that is why I cry in my driveway when I get home at night, because I can't imagine going into a place that I live and you not being there. That is why when I have a rough day at work, which is everyday, I can't stop considering driving to where ever you are and begging you to release me. Release me from my doubt, my sadness, my utterly poultry existence without you.

Without you. My life without you.

It will never stop sounding wrong, because I still don't think I believe it. I still don't believe that the next time I see you, whenever that may be, I will not be greeted with a deep hug and a wet kiss. The next time we meet you will ignore and avoid me. You will feel guilt and all I will feel is grief and regret. I doubt I will be able to stand, knowing that the elation I once felt at the simple thought of seeing you will be replaced by this complex set of grievous, hideous and sometimes even physically painful emotions.

And yet. And yet. The phrase I hear in my head even when I'm crying over you is still,

I love you, I love you, I love you.

And I would do anything to have back those first few weeks when we were the only ones in the universe and we loved as if neither of us had a past, as if without our figures entwined there would be earthquakes, tsunami's. As if the world would end without us, without the quiet dignity and pride of us clasping hands on a busy sidewalk.

You are, have been and always will be my fondest memory, my greatest terror and my sweetest mistake.

On Sitting

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.-Winston Churchill

I'm sitting on my girlfriends couch while she organizes our laundry, because I'm certainly not going to do it, and I'm thinking about the ability to just sit down and enjoy something without over thinking it.

I have explained, mi hermanos y hermanas, that sometimes my intelligence isolates me. Which is abysmally true, but lately it hasn't just been isolating me, it's been driving me fucking crazy.

I have this thing called thinking-constantly-about-stupid-shit-that-doesn't-make-a-difference-any-fuckin'-way. Like: whether I'm happy or not. The truth is: I AM! and me questioning it constantly is only causing trauma. I worry horribly about everything all the time and it became quite bothersome once I finally gave up my ridiculousness and decided to commit to something for the first time in my goddamn life. I learned that this worrying and incessant questioning is one of my giant walls that I've put up to keep myself from being happy, because god forbid that should ever happen to a previously abused person. I kept thinking if I just keep these walls up and even build some more I'll never get hurt. But, the truth is building the walls and keeping them up was taking far too much energy which, frankly should have been spent on me allowing myself to be happy. The whole time I spent not opening and not letting my walls down I could have been focusing on opening up and letting my walls down for the sake of my happiness and every one else's involved. I wasn't getting anywhere and so I had a talk with my ever-so patient girlfriend and she almost smacked me ( I would have deserved it) because I was being so stupid.

So I sat down and decided to give up the struggle.

And so now I'm sitting again and I'm very happy, thank you very much.

On the Explosive Flame

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.-Winston Churchill

I guess, you could say I've seen a few things, known a few people and been a few places. I guess, you could say I've had a full life. I guess you could say I've had good sex, good food and good taste. I've been down a few roads, been told a few lies, been around the bend and back. But, lately it hasn't been the same.

I understand that not everything in life is meant to work out. I understand that love doesn't last. And above all I understand that generally people suck. But, with all of these things I understand, I'm not sure I understand that when you lose something, however small, it effects you.

I don't believe I've ever, but once, really been in love. But, in that particular one time case, it was unrequited and unrequited love is different than real love. So I guess I really never have been.

I've been in droves of relationship, all ending in the same way. They end. Promptly. Every time I get into a relationship it is always to jump in head first and to not think clearly about it for at least three months. This is how it used to work for me. I knew nothing else. And so I coined the phrase: " The explosive flame does not often burn long." and though I knew it to be true I did not head my own warning, in fact I did quite the opposite. I went against it. I jump carelessly in and out of relationships, falling in and out of one heart after another. And a few broken hearts and windows later I realized that though I thought it wasn't effecting me, it very deeply was.

I'm always the one that breaks boys. They come to me after searching for love and think they've found the One. But, I was never the One. And I think I never will be. This sounds scary to most people. But, to me it sounds like home. I'm not saying this is the way I want it to be, I'm just saying this appears to be the way it is. I don't think I'm meant to find Hollywood love, or Bollywood love, or any sort of dramatic, kissing-in-the-rain love. And this does not make me sad, usually. But a couple nights ago it really did. I came into my bedroom and the comforter was placed in just such a way to make the illusion of a body laying asleep in my bed. And for a split second I felt comforted that I wouldn't be sleeping alone. And then, I realized. And then I cried.

I don't suppose I've ever actually felt lonely before. I know what it is to be alone and I've always referred to that as loneliness in a literal way. But I don't think I've ever actually considered it a bad thing. I've always really enjoyed being alone, like really. I love to be able to do whatever I want, listen to, watch, and eat whatever I wanted. I don't like to have to worry about being with someone.

But the other night, I was despondent and lonely and I had never experienced that before. I suppose there's a time for everything. But I certainly wasn't expecting it.

I suppose that's when I realized that all of this jumping in and out of relationships thing has really effected my spirit. It's made me disbelieve in happiness with another person. And goddamnit it has made me lonely.

There's no one in particular I feel specifically fond of or hopeful for right now. There isn't even the faith that someone will come along. There is just the realization that whatever it that I've been doing, must be stopped. So, when someone does come along, even if I don't feel like it. I'm going to take it painfully slow.

Let's hope I've learned this lesson. Let's hope, I'll find a steady, well tended flame. And that I can reconcile it with my past.

On the Line

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.-Winston Churchill

I like to think of my life as literature... However, lately it has been more of a Bronte' novel than Jane Austen as I prefer it.

I suppose that while I make my Pizza and read a good book some fear and doubt should creep in.

Last night was difficult to say the least. I've been trying something new: not lying to myself. I've been telling myself for quite some time that I'm the exception not the rule and frankly, this must stop.

After a struggle with anorexia long passed and the weight regain in the works I had decided to learn to love myself. And over the summer this uphill battle had been achieved. I loved my body, size 16 and all and I had learned to love not being wanted by certain people because I believe this weight gain thing has been an asshole filter. Let me explain: Check it out: When I was thin I was bombarded constantly by douchebags advances. I had never experienced this to that level before so I just kind of appreciated for what it was and lived life single because I was afraid of commitment. Is it strange that even though I was thin I still wasn't happy. I wondered at this because through the media I had been taught that happiness could only be achieved when thin. It's not that I wasn't happy with my body. I appreciated for what it was, thin but still pleasantly soft. I didn't mind the catcalling on the street in Chicago or the tools at the bars. I didn't mind any of that, I let it roll off my back because I just figured this was what happened when girls were thin. But, I wasn't partial to it necessarily. Sure it was a boost in confidence and kind of funny most of the time, but it wasn't what I was looking for, or so I thought.

I discovered that the reason I wasn't eating was because I was terribly lonely and wanted attention no matter how I got it. So I denied myself one of the things I loved most in life: food.
This is not and will never be the path to enlightenment. But, I denied myself that too.

I don't recall a certain time I decided to start eating again. I don't recall it precisely. But, I do recall a day spent with my surrogate Mexican family and all they could ever tell me was how I needed to eat or I would die. It reminded me a little of the archetypal Italian grandmother insisting " Mange'! Mange'!"

The purpose of life is clear: enlightenment. Plain and goddamn simple. And as I have said before, superficial ascertainment of happiness through the denial of human needs is not the way to go.

So I started eating again. I gained weight. And summer came.

I was not afraid in the summer to show my arms, I was not afraid to wear short skirts, I was not afraid to be seen in public in a bathing suit. I did not miss the onslaught of douchebags and tools. I did not insist happiness through denial of food. In fact, I became very, very happy with myself.

I loved my body in a way I never have before, even, dare I say it, more than when I was thin.

But, last night I found myself slipping back into self loathing, not just because of being a little heavier than usual. But, rather because I've found myself numb compared to the past years I've spent. Last night I was not happy with myself, in fact last night I downright hated my not skinny ass.

But, today is a new day. I came home from the stay-in-town-vacation I spent with Melody and took a long nap and when I woke up, the old addage came true yet again, " everything will look prettier in the morning." and though it wasn't morning when I woke up, it was around 7pm. I was pretty happy with life.

So, I decided to crack open the old book that always makes me feel better: Eat, Pray, Love and have some frozen pizza, while waiting for my best friend to get off work.

And though I know the struggle isn't over, I suppose I will live to fight another day.

Excuse the diatribe.

On the Process

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.-Winston Churchill

As we all know, working is never easy. Well at least not at normal jobs. The good news is: I've landed myself two pretty fantastically fun jobs that make my life better rather than more stressful.

I'll admit the waking up at 6 every morning is a little bit of a drag, but seeing the coffee begging to be drunk in the coffee machine is the best way to shake off the dregs of despair at having worked for three weeks in a row with no breaks in between. Seriously, people. I have two jobs, most all of which require me to work literally every single day of my life. But, it's okay. MOST of the time.

I would say that today has been the end of the line for working everyday of my life. I was positively exhausted at the Fruit store today and I couldn't possibly think of anything I would like better than a Diet Pepsi, my paper back copy of The Godfather and my bed. And so it goes, I've read a couple chapters and am now blogging before I hit the ever-lovin' sack and get my first day off in WEEKS ( possibly months) I haven't really kept track.

The proper truth really is that I WOULD like a little time off to finish the novel and the collection of poetry I've started and to like, you know, have a social life.

But, commerce calls every morning at 6 sharp and insists on my presence and utter diligence. I don't mind it all that terribly much, it's actually kind of fun, being a little normal for a change. Coffee and cigarettes get me through the day, and that good ol' fashioned brown bagged lunch I pack every morning before hopping on the bus.

I suppose my life doesn't lack much.
It's all part of the plan, all part of the project of becoming a better person and a better friend and lover.
I would lose sight of things if it weren't for the Universe pulling me back in every once in a while when I'm chanting just to say, good job kiddo.

I essentially love my life and essentially only lack a couple things, but those things are in the works and so are many, many other wonderful things.

Ta.

On the Stage Coach

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.-Winston Churchill

There are things none of us understand. Such things for me are more often then not, men... the Universe... Women... Algebra...Politics and cooking. Let us begin with the first in line:

Men:

While the most beautiful man I have ever seen in my life may be the most beautiful, he most likely is not the best suited for me. I find myself discovering more and more that I don't have a type. If I had one, it would be Russell Crowe, Case in point: Assholes. Russell Crowe in physicality is perfect for me. Scruffy, manly and kind of a teddy bear. But, essentially, he's a douche. Now, lets face it, most women like assholes, nothing new there. We like the guys that treat everyone but US like shit. WE love to be the exception to the rule. The one that changes him, the one that tames him or at the very least the only one he doesn't treat terribly.

- Problem
When a dude is an asshole... Please, for christ-sake don't expect him to be anything else. Especially to you.
Assholes are assholes they may put on a pretty pink hat for the first few months but essentially they will always be assholes. It's the same with women. When she's an asshole... Point blank, my sisters and brothers, she is an asshole.

This is something I need to realize. I always love the furry fluffy ones who could throw my over their shoulders and carry me off to a cave some where. Yet, here I am, single and coming more and more to the conclusion that I need to change the friggin' recipe if I'm planning on settling down any time in the distant future.

I've said what I will about the things I don't understand for today, but I know, I know you're probably wondering I titled this entry On the Stage Coach.

I like the idea of the metaphorical stage coach waiting for all of us. we just have to choose which place we'd like. My problem recently is I've been a passenger rather than riding shotgun, twelve gauge in hand awaiting the moment to pull the trigger. Biggest problem here is, no one's got the reigns. I just want the twelve gauge, that's all I'm sayin'.

Plus I'm a little obsessed with the old west. Whatever. More on things we don't understand later. For now.

Ride on

On the Mission

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.-Winston Churchill

Leaving one thing behind to move onto the next is always a struggle. But, the struggle is what makes us whole in the end. The holes inside us we move to block up and sew back together are what make us who we are.

Break-ups are never easy and the most recent has been difficult. We are intrepid, we carry on. There aren't many good reasons to cut yourself off from what you deserve but at times we create them simply to protect ourselves from loneliness. I have made many mistakes and though I don't necessarily consider this a mistake I do, at times, look back on it as a waste of time. But, all blips on the radar are learning experiences even if they only last six months.

I've come to discover that serial monogamy is most certainly my lot in life. I am meant to love as many as cross my path. This is simply my destiny and I do not recent it, most of the time.

I only ask that in my coming endeavors, I become a stronger woman, believing in myself as well as others.

On Rupture

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

Everything must go. Nothing gold can stay. This too shall pass. For everything must turn. I know, I know we've heard it all a thousand times from a thousand different myriad poets, prophets and messiahs, but no one ever seems to realize that until whatever was golden has now turned to ash between our fingers. I will not say much but I will say that friendship does not always maintain manifestation in the same place from the same person forever. There are seasons in our lives for everything. Seasons for love and loss, seasons for hope and doubt.
And this just happens to be the season of awakening. I have come to terms with the fact that friendships do not always last forever and if they do last forever even the most steadfast have seasons of a sort.

This is the time of year when things spring to life and in this particular case my life does not imitate nature in the slightest. I've discovered that where I once found kinship no likeness of spirit remains. And this particular experience has been very difficult for me. One of my dearest and closest friends, I feel, has betrayed me in a way that I can never forgive, in a way that begets a rupture. There has been erosion for a time and the time has finally come to realize, however horrifically, that some things are meant only to last for a season or two.

And as I have learned through many years of loss, bitterness breeds bitterness and that is simply not something I will allow to happen to me. I will only allow the rupture to weave its course through my life and I will accept this with a still open heart, chin up, shoulders back and this will not shake me and it will not stop me from my goals and I will learn to carry on the fight in another place with another friend for another cause.

But also in this season of rupture we tend to discover that not all things which we believe to have eroded permanently are truly gone forever. Having rediscovered an old friend whom I thought, lost and gone forever I feel new and old may need a good swift kick in the bum.This is a time for new life and a certain, shall we say, spring cleaning is in order, but in this particular case, I feel, the structure just needed a good scrubbing and now it looks like the gold didn't leave it just got dirty.

Scrub the gold, my friends. Scrub the gold.

On the Attack

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

When I dated in my earlier years, earlier months ( I should say.) I would constantly feel, with any man or woman, no matter who, this intense and utter sensation of dread and terror. A feeling I will understand other than to call it the sense of " wrongness" that this is not where I belong. I felt the need to retrieve myself from the ridiculous greed of lonely people to find " love" in anyone and in any place necessary. And so I will tell you a story:

I came upon on a person once, whether this person be man or woman is not essential, what is, however essential is the lack of the sensation of "wrongness." For the sake of argument we will call this person Daniel and we will say that it is a he and that he has dark curly hair, dark olive skin, bright green eyes and the propensity to quote movies and do keenly observant impersonations of his friends and other well known personalities. And for the sake of argument we will say he is a Comcast technician and that he is slumbering next to me now making horrific noises and making me want to kiss him every time I look at him.

We will say that the first day we saw each other there was a spark and that after a few weeks of silent admiration we met, by whatever means, that means being, we will say, our mutual friend Sean. On this monday night of November 9th we kissed and we will say on the next night we made it official and we will say on the third night we were steadfastly in love.

I will not pretend that at first I wasn't petrified of what I felt, in fact I'll go so far as to say I was horrified. But, I had decided long ago that when the time came to fall in love I would relinquish the battle and let there be no blood shed. And in this particular case, there were no casualties.

I waited for a few days for the feeling of "wrongness" to overtake me and though I dreaded its cry of disaster I made the decision to wait until it came to make any sudden movements. But the " wrongness" never came. Daniel was somehow able to keep this feeling at bay. In fact the urge to put as much space between me and my affliction never came because the affliction never showed up.

I've discovered through my months with Daniel that love isn't at all about finding a match as some think. In the opposite it is much more about the instinct to find home, to find belonging, to find a place that no hate or malice or indifference or misery can touch, a place that walks upright and has opposable thumbs. We must not find our equal, we must not find our match. We must find the puzzle piece that fits. We are all pieces of a puzzle and what we lack the other piece makes up for.

He is my puzzle piece and together we make one complete person puzzle that does not fall apart and that does not ever despair.

Go forth young ones and search ever more till thou hast found thine puzzle piece.

On a Place of Peace

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

While searching for a job is becoming all consuming and pretty much stealing my life away from me I'm finding a sort of satisfaction in pounding the pavement, as it were. I'm enjoying the routine of waking up around 9 every morning, making coffee, doing morning Gongyo and sometimes ( even though I promised myself I wouldn't) smoking a morning cigarette and then going straight to the computer and applying to over a dozen places a day and now that my mother and her fiance' have most graciously sprung for a thirty day pass, traversing the city in the hopes of finding myself gainful employ.

I remember the days of having a full time job and surprisingly to most I remember them with much fondness and realized today that those were the happiest days of my life. There was absolutely nothing like taking a fifteen minute break in the middle of the day to smoke a cigarette that I really felt like I'd earned. And then when leaving the job, having that end of the day cigarette which just felt like success in a cylinder.

I'm dying to find something as gratifying as that in my daily life like the cigarette after three hours of writing good material. I realize I'm quantifying my life's happiness and meaning through a cancerous habit, but really there is just nothing like it in the world.

I find myself mesmerized by the longing to find a job as a receptionist at a hotel or a server at a bakery and I search and search and enjoy every minute of it.

Life is only as precious and fulfilled as we make it. And love is only as available as we allow it to be.

On questioning

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

I've been asking myself how I feel a lot lately. I never seem to know what I'm thinking, where I'm going or realize what I've misplaced until I've already thrown it away.

It's amazing what abject terror will do to a previously high functioning brain. Since graduating from Columbia ( It's official, I even passed my science class) I felt a great surge of self confidence and the courage to rise to the challenge. Unfortunately while away on vacation, while seeking guidance, I received misdirection and have now had to struggle to remain afloat while living with one thumb in the dyke and all other extremities searching for the steering wheel. ( Yes I know, metaphors aplenty.)

The thing is, I'm simply petrified beyond words. I'm doubling my work load for finding a job daily and searching incessantly for the muse that skipped off into the sunset an hour after my very last class in college.

I've come to find that it's impossible to find a job, love and creativity all at the very same time while scrounging for pocket change in the couch. I have to free something up, let go of one thing to allow myself access to that specific determination. But the trouble is, frankly, I'm not at all ready to give up any of those things.

The absolute truth is, after receiving the go ahead to grow up I've finally begun to understand that just like the rest of you, I have no advocates. I must be my own proponent and to do that I must shed the deceptive armor of familiarity and scratch out a living for myself. The time has finally come. Really, here it is. But, the sad thing is after this Christmas I've realized that all of that security I felt in my favorite city was just another smoke and mirrors routine and finally I've come to the absolute understanding that one must only ever rely on oneself. And though that may sound like a departure from the good 'ol Grace of lore, I'm afraid it seems to be very true to me, especially lately.

The struggle to maintain an open heart continues, the good fight for good humour and winning friends and a job and the ability to write again is ongoing.

The storm approaches

On Disappointment

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

There are very few in this life that I have found truly disappointing. But, lately everything and everyone seem(s) to be letting me down. But, I'm happy yet and will continue to be for some time, I feel.

I have no advocates left but myself and my love. I will carry on as I always have and never let adversity overtake me. I have learned that quietude makes the largest statement, that saying nothing often allows thought for all involved. I have learned that love is not all one needs to continue in life and of course that the pain of saying goodbye to one means the joy of greeting someone else.

The love of my life, sleeps next to me, emitting nasty snores and I can't help but feel, that no matter what goes wrong, even if we don't see through the year, that I will have these moments forever, no matter how short lived they may have been. No one loves in vain. We are intrepid, we carry on.

There is nothing more hopeful than new love and nothing more dashing than the grief of loss of belief one has for another. We must always believe in ourselves and we must never despair. We are ever intrepid we will always carry on and therefore we will never be defeated.

On Finding The Reason

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

First I would like to apologize for my utter lack of posts. I just haven't had much to say lately. But, now, even now, I still don't have much to say. I'm happily ensconced in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful boy and we are having the time of our lives.

School is difficult but nearly done, with one week left I'm here looking back on my college career and thinking that perhaps I should have chosen a different major considering I have no experience in the work place and not the slightest idea what to do with my self other than teach.

My goal is to get a job in an office somewhere and save the money to move to Baltimore by the end of this summer. Who knows, maybe the boyfriend will follow me. But in the mean time I'm just going focus all of my energy on this last week of school and finish up what's left of college.

Then the great job search of 2010 will begin.

Good evening

On jumping in Head First

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

I suppose not receiving the go ahead from Teach for America should have discouraged me, but it really didn't. I had already chanted for acceptance and it helped me a great deal to understand my purpose and what I was really getting myself into. I'm fine with the denial. This only means that I could be moving east very, very soon.

Maybe if I receive the go ahead from Teaching Residency in Maryland I can move up there with the jovial nature of one making a new life for oneself.

In other news, I seem to have dived head long into what is shaping up to be one of the best relationship I've had so far. I had a crush on the cutest boy ever from the store down the street. I remember specifically one night when I walked up to the store to buy some cerveza and he winked at me. I was all a flutter all night long just thinking about this terribly cute boy having winked at me. Turns out he felt the same and now we're just diving in, completely prepared for whatever and where ever this takes us.

Whatever happens happens and thank god for that. Lets just enjoy life for these last few weeks of school and loveliness.

On Acceptance

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

I chanted for acceptance tonight. By tonight at midnight I will know if I've been accepted for the next stage of the Teach for America program. I'm prepared to accept whatever comes from this process and not allow it to stop me from what I believe is my destiny: teaching.

Whatever it is that must be done to achieve this goal I will attain. Whether or not Teach for America allows me into their corps I will eventually become a teacher no matter what it takes.

If TFA doesn't work out there are plenty of other opportunities available to me, one of which I hope for is Americorps and the other is another teaching possibility in Baltimore City schools.

If I don't end up with TFA I will debate moving to Baltimore for the teaching certification program there and in the mean time work for Americorps. Whatever it is that comes, I am ready and willing to meet it head on, chin up, chest out.

Here I come world. Here I come.

On It Being What It Is

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

Whatever it is, it is precisely that. And there's nothing we can do about it. Our attempts to change it will be thwarted miserably, our deep denial of it will not make it go away, and mostly no matter where we go or what we do it will always be there, digging its fingernails into our skin, holding on for dear life, yanking us out of our routine, violently, simple to say " Hey, you bastard. I'm still here."

Well, we all have "its". They may be positive or negative or you may not have the slightest notion at all what your IT is. But, whatever that mother fucker is, it's there and it's not going to take a vacation anytime soon.

I discussed this idea with my Che' Guevara tutee yesterday. We discussed the idea that people in todays society so very much inhibit themselves. Men shouldn't cry, they should cowboy up and just " Get over it." And I say, it's precisely the idea of denial that is killing people so young.

If one could simply completely accept what they are feeling, embrace it, feel it utterly, let it consume oneself for as long as necessary, I believe that very person who allowed themselves to feel awful or whatever the dogging emotion is would then find freedom from it and allow it to pass through them without the fear of it catching up to them later.

The fact is. It's fucking here. And it's never going anywhere until you face it head on, chin up, shoulders back, embracing it with every last breath of strength and once you have done so you must give it the respect it should have as an emotion, no matter how ridiculous it may be, and then finally allow it to pass and give it up.

I told him so and he promptly told me that he experiences more in his heart and mind in my class than he ever has in his life and then simply said. " It is what it is."

On Dreaming

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

Last night I had the second of what seems to be a recurring cycle of dreams. I dreamt of old Athens, I knew it was Athens but it was actually Ireland. I had to travel through a long desolate strip of forest, it was as if the forest was burned down and all that was left of what used to be a vibrant forest was scorched vegetation and sand like dirt. There was a group of us, not sure who but there were about 12 of us.

We arrived to a clearing, to the left of the clearing was a ring of trees inside which was a ring of ruins, not unlike the parthenon or even slightly like stonehenge depending on which night.

We circled the ruins and clasped hands. Very ritualistic and pagan. The first night I had the dream, it was apocalyptic this time I'm not sure what happened. But the first night I had the dream it was summer time in the dreamscape, this time the whole place was covered in snow. Even more desolate this time.

I've been having a lot of Greek themed dreams, one in which I reached paradise with Luis and it began to flood. It was as if we were searching for apartments again, the same kind of idea in mind, to find a place we could live together.

I recently checked my facebook and a whole bunch of people had insane dreams last night and had posted them online.

Collective consciousness has peeked, not sure what this means. Could be nothing, or it could be the END OF DA WORLD! But, whatevz.

On Finding the Unicorn

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

Random thoughts and experiences for Monday October 19th

After a year of searching I finally found the 8th episode of the Masters of Horror season 1. Watching a movie you've been searching for or listening to that song you couldn't find anywhere is an experience all to itself. It was easy enough to find with my Granny Smith but I must say it was not what I was hoping for. Just like after putting that one song on repeat for days makes it not nearly so sweet.

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Last night posed several disappointments. Seeing someone who begged to see you and finding that they only did it to prove a point is difficult. It could make you lose faith. And I swore I never would, and I'm not about to let it happen now.

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The Che Guevara tutee never ceases to amaze. I called to ask him his preference for our next session, would he rather see a creative non fiction reading or have a session devoted to music as literature. He asked me what I wanted to do. Frankly, I have never had a tutee worry about my interest in a session. I had to explain to him that it wasn't my decision, that is was up to him. I laughed and told him to think of himself for once. He's just such a nice fucking kid.

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The final season of Veronica Mars is finally online. Now that I have something to obsess over, I don't have to worry about instance number 2 above.

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I can't help but think I'm paying the price for something, for all the insincerity I've doled out in my life, its all finally coming back to me. Karma sure is a mother fucker.

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Forgive the darkness, but today was not an easy day. Today I battled with myself over maintaining an open heart and allowing myself to feel freely and experience dashed expectations constantly. But, eventually I came to the conclusion that being open hearted is more important than protecting myself. I wouldn't feel this way unless I was meant to learn something by it. I refuse to become bitter. I refuse to allow myself to close my heart. I will not give up on people and I know that if I don't then others wont as well. Every break up, every time someone lies to me and every time I believe the lies I know it's all going to end well, even if it ends terribly.

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I've never been the sort for glory and I know I'm meant to be someone who never stops loving, so form now on, let there be no bloodshed. Let me simply fall without a struggle.

And now I'm not gonna go listen to Nocturne in E Minor and finish up the last bit of morbidity for the day.

On Being Inspired by the Uninspired

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

Maybe I'm listening to too much Punjabi MC, but I'm becoming increasingly aware of the things going on outside our American periphery. I just finished writing a paper on the difference between press coverage of Columbia and Venezuela. The thing is, there is no difference because the press is doing equally as well between countries with ignoring the real issues. There is an entire culture in Columbia being extricated from the planet by the Columbian government simply for the sheer fact that they are Indigenous Peoples. People are being massacred and displaced from their homes for no apparent reason other than their identity as Indigenous People of Columbia.

Well, enough ranting. In other news,

The BR seems to think the best plan of attack is calling me and texting me and emailing me at every available moment to convince me that I'm meant to be with him. Well, after calling me a bitch when I refused to make a commitment after three dates, I think he's better off leaving off the whole controlling thing and finally respecting my wishes and opinions for once in his fucking life. He apparently has no idea how this dating thing works because forcing a woman to make a commitment in America after three dates is most certainly no the proper way to go about things, not to mention I'm an extreme commitmentphobe and refuse to be forced into anything period, let alone a relationship and a label after three goddamn dates.

Mother fucker is crazy. He obviously has no idea who he's dealing with. A Cuban accent and millions to dispose of flippantly does not necessarily a good boyfriend make. Thank god for my soundness of mind. Mama loves mambo, but enough to give up my freedom and independence simply for a BMW and a high rise apartment downtown.

I shall return to plowing the field alone. Thank god.

On the Bust

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

Well, the BR is a bust. I simply cannot abide controlling and possessive men and I'm not about to let that slide this time around.

I've kind of learned after years of failed relationship that picking yourself up and dusting off the little bit of dirt is just a part of the game and I'm getting pretty fine with that.

I have tutoring at all hours of the morning now and I'm getting used to that too. Waking up early in the morning is just part of the game as well, and though I know it will be a general part of my life very soon, I'm still not really used to it.

Oh well, tiny post this time, just thought I'd update you all on my life in the fast lane.