Monday, October 19, 2009

On Finding the Unicorn

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

Random thoughts and experiences for Monday October 19th

After a year of searching I finally found the 8th episode of the Masters of Horror season 1. Watching a movie you've been searching for or listening to that song you couldn't find anywhere is an experience all to itself. It was easy enough to find with my Granny Smith but I must say it was not what I was hoping for. Just like after putting that one song on repeat for days makes it not nearly so sweet.
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Last night posed several disappointments. Seeing someone who begged to see you and finding that they only did it to prove a point is difficult. It could make you lose faith. And I swore I never would, and I'm not about to let it happen now.

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The Che Guevara tutee never ceases to amaze. I called to ask him his preference for our next session, would he rather see a creative non fiction reading or have a session devoted to music as literature. He asked me what I wanted to do. Frankly, I have never had a tutee worry about my interest in a session. I had to explain to him that it wasn't my decision, that is was up to him. I laughed and told him to think of himself for once. He's just such a nice fucking kid.

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The final season of Veronica Mars is finally online. Now that I have something to obsess over, I don't have to worry about instance number 2 above.

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I can't help but think I'm paying the price for something, for all the insincerity I've doled out in my life, its all finally coming back to me. Karma sure is a mother fucker.

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Forgive the darkness, but today was not an easy day. Today I battled with myself over maintaining an open heart and allowing myself to feel freely and experience dashed expectations constantly. But, eventually I came to the conclusion that being open hearted is more important than protecting myself. I wouldn't feel this way unless I was meant to learn something by it. I refuse to become bitter. I refuse to allow myself to close my heart. I will not give up on people and I know that if I don't then others wont as well. Every break up, every time someone lies to me and every time I believe the lies I know it's all going to end well, even if it ends terribly.

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I've never been the sort for glory and I know I'm meant to be someone who never stops loving, so form now on, let there be no bloodshed. Let me simply fall without a struggle.

And now I'm not gonna go listen to Nocturne in E Minor and finish up the last bit of morbidity for the day.

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