On questioning

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

I've been asking myself how I feel a lot lately. I never seem to know what I'm thinking, where I'm going or realize what I've misplaced until I've already thrown it away.

It's amazing what abject terror will do to a previously high functioning brain. Since graduating from Columbia ( It's official, I even passed my science class) I felt a great surge of self confidence and the courage to rise to the challenge. Unfortunately while away on vacation, while seeking guidance, I received misdirection and have now had to struggle to remain afloat while living with one thumb in the dyke and all other extremities searching for the steering wheel. ( Yes I know, metaphors aplenty.)

The thing is, I'm simply petrified beyond words. I'm doubling my work load for finding a job daily and searching incessantly for the muse that skipped off into the sunset an hour after my very last class in college.

I've come to find that it's impossible to find a job, love and creativity all at the very same time while scrounging for pocket change in the couch. I have to free something up, let go of one thing to allow myself access to that specific determination. But the trouble is, frankly, I'm not at all ready to give up any of those things.

The absolute truth is, after receiving the go ahead to grow up I've finally begun to understand that just like the rest of you, I have no advocates. I must be my own proponent and to do that I must shed the deceptive armor of familiarity and scratch out a living for myself. The time has finally come. Really, here it is. But, the sad thing is after this Christmas I've realized that all of that security I felt in my favorite city was just another smoke and mirrors routine and finally I've come to the absolute understanding that one must only ever rely on oneself. And though that may sound like a departure from the good 'ol Grace of lore, I'm afraid it seems to be very true to me, especially lately.

The struggle to maintain an open heart continues, the good fight for good humour and winning friends and a job and the ability to write again is ongoing.

The storm approaches