On a Place of Peace

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

While searching for a job is becoming all consuming and pretty much stealing my life away from me I'm finding a sort of satisfaction in pounding the pavement, as it were. I'm enjoying the routine of waking up around 9 every morning, making coffee, doing morning Gongyo and sometimes ( even though I promised myself I wouldn't) smoking a morning cigarette and then going straight to the computer and applying to over a dozen places a day and now that my mother and her fiance' have most graciously sprung for a thirty day pass, traversing the city in the hopes of finding myself gainful employ.

I remember the days of having a full time job and surprisingly to most I remember them with much fondness and realized today that those were the happiest days of my life. There was absolutely nothing like taking a fifteen minute break in the middle of the day to smoke a cigarette that I really felt like I'd earned. And then when leaving the job, having that end of the day cigarette which just felt like success in a cylinder.

I'm dying to find something as gratifying as that in my daily life like the cigarette after three hours of writing good material. I realize I'm quantifying my life's happiness and meaning through a cancerous habit, but really there is just nothing like it in the world.

I find myself mesmerized by the longing to find a job as a receptionist at a hotel or a server at a bakery and I search and search and enjoy every minute of it.

Life is only as precious and fulfilled as we make it. And love is only as available as we allow it to be.

On questioning

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

I've been asking myself how I feel a lot lately. I never seem to know what I'm thinking, where I'm going or realize what I've misplaced until I've already thrown it away.

It's amazing what abject terror will do to a previously high functioning brain. Since graduating from Columbia ( It's official, I even passed my science class) I felt a great surge of self confidence and the courage to rise to the challenge. Unfortunately while away on vacation, while seeking guidance, I received misdirection and have now had to struggle to remain afloat while living with one thumb in the dyke and all other extremities searching for the steering wheel. ( Yes I know, metaphors aplenty.)

The thing is, I'm simply petrified beyond words. I'm doubling my work load for finding a job daily and searching incessantly for the muse that skipped off into the sunset an hour after my very last class in college.

I've come to find that it's impossible to find a job, love and creativity all at the very same time while scrounging for pocket change in the couch. I have to free something up, let go of one thing to allow myself access to that specific determination. But the trouble is, frankly, I'm not at all ready to give up any of those things.

The absolute truth is, after receiving the go ahead to grow up I've finally begun to understand that just like the rest of you, I have no advocates. I must be my own proponent and to do that I must shed the deceptive armor of familiarity and scratch out a living for myself. The time has finally come. Really, here it is. But, the sad thing is after this Christmas I've realized that all of that security I felt in my favorite city was just another smoke and mirrors routine and finally I've come to the absolute understanding that one must only ever rely on oneself. And though that may sound like a departure from the good 'ol Grace of lore, I'm afraid it seems to be very true to me, especially lately.

The struggle to maintain an open heart continues, the good fight for good humour and winning friends and a job and the ability to write again is ongoing.

The storm approaches

On Disappointment

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

There are very few in this life that I have found truly disappointing. But, lately everything and everyone seem(s) to be letting me down. But, I'm happy yet and will continue to be for some time, I feel.

I have no advocates left but myself and my love. I will carry on as I always have and never let adversity overtake me. I have learned that quietude makes the largest statement, that saying nothing often allows thought for all involved. I have learned that love is not all one needs to continue in life and of course that the pain of saying goodbye to one means the joy of greeting someone else.

The love of my life, sleeps next to me, emitting nasty snores and I can't help but feel, that no matter what goes wrong, even if we don't see through the year, that I will have these moments forever, no matter how short lived they may have been. No one loves in vain. We are intrepid, we carry on.

There is nothing more hopeful than new love and nothing more dashing than the grief of loss of belief one has for another. We must always believe in ourselves and we must never despair. We are ever intrepid we will always carry on and therefore we will never be defeated.

On Finding The Reason

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

First I would like to apologize for my utter lack of posts. I just haven't had much to say lately. But, now, even now, I still don't have much to say. I'm happily ensconced in a wonderful relationship with a wonderful boy and we are having the time of our lives.

School is difficult but nearly done, with one week left I'm here looking back on my college career and thinking that perhaps I should have chosen a different major considering I have no experience in the work place and not the slightest idea what to do with my self other than teach.

My goal is to get a job in an office somewhere and save the money to move to Baltimore by the end of this summer. Who knows, maybe the boyfriend will follow me. But in the mean time I'm just going focus all of my energy on this last week of school and finish up what's left of college.

Then the great job search of 2010 will begin.

Good evening

On jumping in Head First

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

I suppose not receiving the go ahead from Teach for America should have discouraged me, but it really didn't. I had already chanted for acceptance and it helped me a great deal to understand my purpose and what I was really getting myself into. I'm fine with the denial. This only means that I could be moving east very, very soon.

Maybe if I receive the go ahead from Teaching Residency in Maryland I can move up there with the jovial nature of one making a new life for oneself.

In other news, I seem to have dived head long into what is shaping up to be one of the best relationship I've had so far. I had a crush on the cutest boy ever from the store down the street. I remember specifically one night when I walked up to the store to buy some cerveza and he winked at me. I was all a flutter all night long just thinking about this terribly cute boy having winked at me. Turns out he felt the same and now we're just diving in, completely prepared for whatever and where ever this takes us.

Whatever happens happens and thank god for that. Lets just enjoy life for these last few weeks of school and loveliness.

On Acceptance

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

I chanted for acceptance tonight. By tonight at midnight I will know if I've been accepted for the next stage of the Teach for America program. I'm prepared to accept whatever comes from this process and not allow it to stop me from what I believe is my destiny: teaching.

Whatever it is that must be done to achieve this goal I will attain. Whether or not Teach for America allows me into their corps I will eventually become a teacher no matter what it takes.

If TFA doesn't work out there are plenty of other opportunities available to me, one of which I hope for is Americorps and the other is another teaching possibility in Baltimore City schools.

If I don't end up with TFA I will debate moving to Baltimore for the teaching certification program there and in the mean time work for Americorps. Whatever it is that comes, I am ready and willing to meet it head on, chin up, chest out.

Here I come world. Here I come.

On It Being What It Is

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

Whatever it is, it is precisely that. And there's nothing we can do about it. Our attempts to change it will be thwarted miserably, our deep denial of it will not make it go away, and mostly no matter where we go or what we do it will always be there, digging its fingernails into our skin, holding on for dear life, yanking us out of our routine, violently, simple to say " Hey, you bastard. I'm still here."

Well, we all have "its". They may be positive or negative or you may not have the slightest notion at all what your IT is. But, whatever that mother fucker is, it's there and it's not going to take a vacation anytime soon.

I discussed this idea with my Che' Guevara tutee yesterday. We discussed the idea that people in todays society so very much inhibit themselves. Men shouldn't cry, they should cowboy up and just " Get over it." And I say, it's precisely the idea of denial that is killing people so young.

If one could simply completely accept what they are feeling, embrace it, feel it utterly, let it consume oneself for as long as necessary, I believe that very person who allowed themselves to feel awful or whatever the dogging emotion is would then find freedom from it and allow it to pass through them without the fear of it catching up to them later.

The fact is. It's fucking here. And it's never going anywhere until you face it head on, chin up, shoulders back, embracing it with every last breath of strength and once you have done so you must give it the respect it should have as an emotion, no matter how ridiculous it may be, and then finally allow it to pass and give it up.

I told him so and he promptly told me that he experiences more in his heart and mind in my class than he ever has in his life and then simply said. " It is what it is."