On the Attack

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

When I dated in my earlier years, earlier months ( I should say.) I would constantly feel, with any man or woman, no matter who, this intense and utter sensation of dread and terror. A feeling I will understand other than to call it the sense of " wrongness" that this is not where I belong. I felt the need to retrieve myself from the ridiculous greed of lonely people to find " love" in anyone and in any place necessary. And so I will tell you a story:

I came upon on a person once, whether this person be man or woman is not essential, what is, however essential is the lack of the sensation of "wrongness." For the sake of argument we will call this person Daniel and we will say that it is a he and that he has dark curly hair, dark olive skin, bright green eyes and the propensity to quote movies and do keenly observant impersonations of his friends and other well known personalities. And for the sake of argument we will say he is a Comcast technician and that he is slumbering next to me now making horrific noises and making me want to kiss him every time I look at him.

We will say that the first day we saw each other there was a spark and that after a few weeks of silent admiration we met, by whatever means, that means being, we will say, our mutual friend Sean. On this monday night of November 9th we kissed and we will say on the next night we made it official and we will say on the third night we were steadfastly in love.

I will not pretend that at first I wasn't petrified of what I felt, in fact I'll go so far as to say I was horrified. But, I had decided long ago that when the time came to fall in love I would relinquish the battle and let there be no blood shed. And in this particular case, there were no casualties.

I waited for a few days for the feeling of "wrongness" to overtake me and though I dreaded its cry of disaster I made the decision to wait until it came to make any sudden movements. But the " wrongness" never came. Daniel was somehow able to keep this feeling at bay. In fact the urge to put as much space between me and my affliction never came because the affliction never showed up.

I've discovered through my months with Daniel that love isn't at all about finding a match as some think. In the opposite it is much more about the instinct to find home, to find belonging, to find a place that no hate or malice or indifference or misery can touch, a place that walks upright and has opposable thumbs. We must not find our equal, we must not find our match. We must find the puzzle piece that fits. We are all pieces of a puzzle and what we lack the other piece makes up for.

He is my puzzle piece and together we make one complete person puzzle that does not fall apart and that does not ever despair.

Go forth young ones and search ever more till thou hast found thine puzzle piece.

On a Place of Peace

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

While searching for a job is becoming all consuming and pretty much stealing my life away from me I'm finding a sort of satisfaction in pounding the pavement, as it were. I'm enjoying the routine of waking up around 9 every morning, making coffee, doing morning Gongyo and sometimes ( even though I promised myself I wouldn't) smoking a morning cigarette and then going straight to the computer and applying to over a dozen places a day and now that my mother and her fiance' have most graciously sprung for a thirty day pass, traversing the city in the hopes of finding myself gainful employ.

I remember the days of having a full time job and surprisingly to most I remember them with much fondness and realized today that those were the happiest days of my life. There was absolutely nothing like taking a fifteen minute break in the middle of the day to smoke a cigarette that I really felt like I'd earned. And then when leaving the job, having that end of the day cigarette which just felt like success in a cylinder.

I'm dying to find something as gratifying as that in my daily life like the cigarette after three hours of writing good material. I realize I'm quantifying my life's happiness and meaning through a cancerous habit, but really there is just nothing like it in the world.

I find myself mesmerized by the longing to find a job as a receptionist at a hotel or a server at a bakery and I search and search and enjoy every minute of it.

Life is only as precious and fulfilled as we make it. And love is only as available as we allow it to be.

On questioning

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

I've been asking myself how I feel a lot lately. I never seem to know what I'm thinking, where I'm going or realize what I've misplaced until I've already thrown it away.

It's amazing what abject terror will do to a previously high functioning brain. Since graduating from Columbia ( It's official, I even passed my science class) I felt a great surge of self confidence and the courage to rise to the challenge. Unfortunately while away on vacation, while seeking guidance, I received misdirection and have now had to struggle to remain afloat while living with one thumb in the dyke and all other extremities searching for the steering wheel. ( Yes I know, metaphors aplenty.)

The thing is, I'm simply petrified beyond words. I'm doubling my work load for finding a job daily and searching incessantly for the muse that skipped off into the sunset an hour after my very last class in college.

I've come to find that it's impossible to find a job, love and creativity all at the very same time while scrounging for pocket change in the couch. I have to free something up, let go of one thing to allow myself access to that specific determination. But the trouble is, frankly, I'm not at all ready to give up any of those things.

The absolute truth is, after receiving the go ahead to grow up I've finally begun to understand that just like the rest of you, I have no advocates. I must be my own proponent and to do that I must shed the deceptive armor of familiarity and scratch out a living for myself. The time has finally come. Really, here it is. But, the sad thing is after this Christmas I've realized that all of that security I felt in my favorite city was just another smoke and mirrors routine and finally I've come to the absolute understanding that one must only ever rely on oneself. And though that may sound like a departure from the good 'ol Grace of lore, I'm afraid it seems to be very true to me, especially lately.

The struggle to maintain an open heart continues, the good fight for good humour and winning friends and a job and the ability to write again is ongoing.

The storm approaches

On Disappointment

We are all worms, But, I do believe, I am a glowworm.

-
Winston Churchill

There are very few in this life that I have found truly disappointing. But, lately everything and everyone seem(s) to be letting me down. But, I'm happy yet and will continue to be for some time, I feel.

I have no advocates left but myself and my love. I will carry on as I always have and never let adversity overtake me. I have learned that quietude makes the largest statement, that saying nothing often allows thought for all involved. I have learned that love is not all one needs to continue in life and of course that the pain of saying goodbye to one means the joy of greeting someone else.

The love of my life, sleeps next to me, emitting nasty snores and I can't help but feel, that no matter what goes wrong, even if we don't see through the year, that I will have these moments forever, no matter how short lived they may have been. No one loves in vain. We are intrepid, we carry on.

There is nothing more hopeful than new love and nothing more dashing than the grief of loss of belief one has for another. We must always believe in ourselves and we must never despair. We are ever intrepid we will always carry on and therefore we will never be defeated.